Day 37

I haven’t been sexually excited in any way yesterday or today. In fact sex, masturbation, porn, or anything related to that hasn’t been on my mind at all! I wish there was some kind of meter that could tell me where I’m at with my recovery.. you know, like those baby meters that show you where you’re at when you’re pregnant! Too bad this doesn’t work this way. Anyways, like I said, I’ve been completely uninterested in anything sexual, so there’s not much to report. Maybe I’ll find out at a later date that this was the turning point but I’m not holding my breath.

I guess I could use the empty space that’s staring at me right now to write about my overall goals of this recovery instead. It’ll help reinforce why I’m doing this, understand what exactly the point is where I’d say “done!”, and what comes after. First of all, I’m doing this because I have a deep desire to experience real sex. The kind of sex that our ancestors had, where women weren’t just bad porn (as one author puts it) but the height of all sexual dreams. Where fantasies were clearly sub-par compared to the real deal and images not a substitute for it. Anyone reading this who doesn’t have porn induced ED must think I’m insane because it’s the most normal thing in the world for him. But if you are in that porn induced ED cycle – damn, I wish we could trade places brother! Another reason for doing this is that I feel that I’ve lost multiple relationships with women I’ve deeply cared about due to this condition, and I really don’t want this to repeat because it has caused much unnecessary heartache. I actually believe that if the sex is good you can get away with a lot of shit as a guy. But you really have to work hard to keep a relationship if the sex is bad, and most of the time you can’t make up for it no matter what else you do.

Now, when is this over and done? I’m on day 37 of a journey that could take multiple more months before I’ll see any results. Well, at least I know what I’m looking for. I wouldn’t say I’m done until I feel completely turned on by just thinking about having sex with a real women, I get 100% erections (as in fullness) all of the time and they stay with me through the entire session, and I come from the mere feeling of having sex (in a reasonable amount of time) with no use of fantasy whatsoever. I think I’ve gotten tiny bits of that before when intermittently, during sex, I’d realize how sexy it is to just have sex, but I’d always return to fantasy. I do remember that those rare, short moments would be extremely intense and almost unreal. I just couldn’t get them back at will. I believe reframing sex in that way is a good way to get rid of fantasy though.

What happens after I’m done? I will have a lot of sex. I will try to reinforce the crap out of doing it right and give my body and brain lots of rewards for adjusting. Nobody ever talks about what to do after recovery to maintain your new-found sexual self and prevent slipping back into porn, but I think that just having physical sex on a regular basis over an extended amount of time is going to really rewire your brain and wipe out being turned on by porn more than when you’re engaging in real sex. The best thing would be if I was never even turned on by porn again!

Day 34

It’s been an interesting day. I’ve done some minor petting yesterday night with my girlfriend (but no sex) and been fantasizing about that – and not porn – for some part of the day. I even got a minor erection from it, which is positive.

My next goal is to not use fantasy at all during sex. I admit that this is a daunting task because I’ve never had sex without using fantasy. I can’t believe I’m writing this; I actually thought this was normal (for me)! Let me write it again to make sure it sticks… I have never had sex without using fantasy. Not a single time. What is the most common form of sex, just enjoying the feeling and being one with your partner and having an overwhelming orgasm just from the excitement of having sex altogether – I have never been able to do just that. I can’t tell you how much I long for this. If I don’t use fantasy I’ll either eventually go limp, or the sex will go on forever up to the point where my penis is numb, and then it’ll go limp from that. Either way, I end up limp, frustrated, and my partner is mad at me and wondering what’s wrong. Fantasy helps avoid that scenario so I’m afraid of letting go of it.

It is clear though that it’s a major part of my recovery. I have to turn off fantasy eventually and replace it with reality. I believe I’ll try a gradual approach of shutting out fantasy and just concentrating on the feeling, or rewiring my fantasy to thoughts such as “my penis feels amazing in her vagina” instead of images of porn scenes stuck in my head. I’ll let you know what works when I get to try again.

Also, I wanted to say a couple more words about my slip a few days ago. As suggested in the comments, I was trying to analyze what really led me to slip up. As a result of this I realized that being alone in front of my computer with not much to do was a major factor. Being bored in front of the computer is something you’ll want to avoid like a disease. At least in my case I used to masturbate whenever I was bored, alone, at the computer – ready to use porn. If you’re put in that same scenario again too early during recovery, it’s overwhelming how your body reminds you of that rush you used to get when you were in that situation. The best is to avoid the situation altogether – go out, eat, do whatever you need to do to not be alone in front of the computer for extended periods of time with nothing to do. It’ll be too easy.

Date Update: I noticed that I messed up somewhere along the way with which day number it was (around day 10 or 12). I corrected it for the last three posts and this one, I’m actually on day 34 already 🙂

Day 33

I was kind of expecting to see new comments saying “what the hell did you do” but I didn’t receive any, which was a relief!

In fact, I can report some positive things. I had sex twice, once yesterday and once this morning, and both times were on ‘mediocre’ level (which is better than ‘bad’). I kept my erection virtually through the entire act, it’s almost as if my PMO mishap didn’t really stop my progress, which is great! I have to say that on top of everything I had serious performance anxiety because of the PMO (thinking it’ll ruin the sex) but my penis was fairly unfazed and performed well. The only thing that’s definitely still there is that I use fantasy to get over the edge instead of the feeling in my penis. Well, one step at a time. At least I’m relieved that one misstep into the porn world doesn’t mean the end of recovery… so far, it hasn’t even brought on anything negative. I did learn my lesson though, it’s still a slippery slope, so I’ll keep my hands out of my pants and my thoughts out of the gutter. I promise to be successful.

Day 32

Hello guys. Let me get the big, bad, embarrassing news out first. I ended up PMO’ing today. So now there is 1 PMO on the scale after my first month. I knew this was coming sooner or later (maybe you guys were too!) and despite thinking that I’m a strong tough man and I’ll do this right the first time around, I gave in to my urges earlier today. Wow. Kind of like a robot – I turned my brain off for a few hours after a very stressful day and figured I could ‘edge’ a bit to relax, ended up browsing, ended up orgasming to porn. I’m upset over it, understandably. Of course it wasn’t worth it. In fact, I came somewhat involuntarily (didn’t touch myself, was just watching a particularly exciting scene when the rush came) which made the whole thing even less than worthless because I didn’t get even get much enjoyment out of it. The third bad part about this is that I was really saving myself up for sex with my woman which is likely happening in the next couple of days. I feel like I’m being punished threefold.

Now, from here are a few lessons to learn. First of all, do I let this be a bump in the road, or do I let this stop me? Clearly the second choice is not an option. It has to be a bump in the road. Does it set me back? Likely. That’s the price to pay. How much, I don’t know. Hopefully only a week or so. Heck, I think it’ll be 100 days before I notice much anyways, so it may as well be 120 days.

I have to say though that this is such a crazy challenge. It’s difficult to comprehend what you’re up against. I had no problems whatsoever giving up smoking. The enemy is clear: the cigarette. Somehow with porn, sex drive, and orgasms this is completely different. And boy, the fact that I didn’t see too much improvement in almost 30 days definitely caused me to give in and doubt the whole thing in my weak moments. This leads me to the next point: Expectation management. When you do this, make sure you really don’t expect too much the first few weeks. It’s not like waiting for a package in the mail where you can check daily and see if it’s there or not.

Man, I hated the orgasm earlier. I didn’t want it, it sucked, and on top of it all I have a feeling it’ll affect upcoming sex negatively. I’ll be sure to keep this frustration in my mind when the temptation strikes again. What’s interesting is that I really feel that I’ll come out of this stronger. I feel there were more lessons in this event than I can observe at this time. Maybe I needed to know how a PMO feels after 30 days abstinence to see how much it sucks? Not sure. I’ll keep you posted!

Day 27

I think I’ve had some sexual dreams last night, but I didn’t wake up with an erection. In fact, it’s been fairly silent and lifeless down there. As I’m not feeling much better – still having flu symptoms – I don’t think I’m overall in a very sexual mood anyways. I’ll possibly have sex sometime this weekend and see then if there is any remarkable improvement. Other than that I guess it’s a waiting game!

To all of you out there who are reading my blog – keep it up. One day at a time. You can do it. There are lots of resources online that you can browse through, and I suggest you do that every time the urge to masturbate to porn hits you. At least that has helped me a lot.

Day 26

Hello, everyone! I hope you are doing well and you have/had a good Thanksgiving dinner and got to spend time with your families. Unfortunately I can’t report too many developments on the Erectile Dysfunction front; the last 5 days have been rather event-less. I’ve felt a little under the weather and didn’t have any sex, didn’t masturbate, and didn’t have any sexual dreams whatsoever. No spontaneous erections. Today I’ve looked at some erotic pictures for about 5 minutes, but I didn’t even get an erection from it. To be perfectly clear, I didn’t masturbate or touch myself at all, I just browsed through it – I guess I was “testing” a bit to see how it would affect me. That said, I think I can notice some very subtle progression in that I’m more likely to stop and stare at a beautiful women in the street, which pre-journey left me rather unaffected. I’m still looking forward to that “big milestone” where I notice a very significant change in my own behavior… Then again, from what I read, people need 90 to 120 days to reset. That leaves me with easily 100 days to go. Fingers crossed.

Day 21

So, I have three weeks behind me! There is something strange happening with me; I don’t look at porn anymore, but I still have very vivid memories of it. When I had sex today, those memories came back even though I didn’t want them to. I wonder if this has similar effects as a relapse in terms of strengthening your brain connections to porn or if it’s okay? I sure hope it is!

The sex was mediocre-good, my erection wasn’t as hard as I want it to be, but I believe I derived more pleasure from just the feeling of being inside a vagina than I usually would. If you didn’t read all of the previous posts, I usually take a very long time to come; this time I would’ve been able to come after just a couple of minutes which is extremely unusual for me. I’m skeptical though and want to see if that is going to be a sustained change or just one-off this time. What’s also interesting is that I had no desire for a second go around afterwards. No chaser effect to speak off…

To circle back to the point I made in my first paragraph, I think an extremely important part of recovery is to completely let go of fantasy. That seems much more difficult than the physical act of not looking at porn because it’s all in your head. How do you consciously not think about something?

Day 16

This is a rollercoaster! I was extremely horny, wanting to masturbate, pretty much all night last night. However, I managed to refrain from further masturbating, and woke up fresh from a sexual dream today. No wet dream though.

I have to say that this thing is not easy to do… it seems so simple, right? Just quit porn, masturbating etc. for a while. But if you’re conditioned over decades to masturbate to porn, then this is a real challenge. I’ve quit smoking years ago, and I have to say that that was a walk in the park in comparison. One of the main differences is that everybody knows smoking is bad. You give it up, and you somehow believe that you’re healthier. With porn induced erectile dysfunction you constantly have these thoughts in your head that masturbating isn’t inherently bad, and that a little bit of porn every now and then can’t do any harm. My freshly woken up mind can reason well against this, but after a day on the computer defenses wear down and it’s easy to start longing for just some release.

You earned it! It’s been a long day of work! Just this one time! … There are many variations of how your own mind tries to convince you. And it’s better at it than any other person would ever be; after all, it knows you all your life. I know I sound like I have schizophrenia but it does seem like there are two ‘parts’ of myself arguing with each other, with me vehemently trying to turn the reason part into the stronger muscle.

Day 15

Last night I had a crazy urge to masturbate, and I gave in (without porn of course). I don’t count it as a setback, but somehow also wish I hadn’t done it. I think me having a bit of a depression and mood swings yesterday played into it and made me feel like I need some positive release. Either way, still staying away from porn. Can’t wait to pass the month mark… keeping myself busy until then. I probably won’t have sex in the coming days so those are more total abstinence days I can use.

Update from the evening: I really, really want to look at porn. It’s almost overwhelming. This is by far the strongest desire I’ve had to look at porn since I began this journey. Is it related to me masturbating yesterday? I don’t know. But man, this is worse than giving up smoking. Every cell in my body is telling me to just do it this one time. I’m not giving in. I’m not giving in. I’m not giving in.

Another update: In the end I ended up masturbating simply to calm myself down. Interim goal: I’ll stop masturbating for next week at least so I don’t fall back into masturbation habits while continuing my journey.

Day 14

Today I’m passing the two week mark! It sure feels longer than that. I wish I could speed up the recovery process more, but I guess it simply takes time. I definitely have cravings for porn (just now actually!), and just sitting at the computer reminds me of masturbating to porn. No wonder, for more than a decade computers were my tool of choice to get to an orgasm. 2 weeks vs. about 650 weeks…. only a measly 0.3% of my computer time so far has been porn-less!

Also I can report that I had intercourse again yesterday, twice. The first time around was fairly nice, my erection was okay, but it all didn’t feel more sensitive than usual. Yet again I had to use fantasy to get off and couldn’t just concentrate on the woman. I think once I’m just turned on by the woman, and I’m being driven to orgasm by just her without any need for fantasy, then I’m officially on the way to be cured. It’s difficult to imagine, all I’ve ever done is fantasize while having sex instead of just enjoying the sex.

The second time, a few minutes after the first orgasm (chaser effect?), was less good than the first time. Not only did I essentially use fantasy through the whole thing, but I also lost my erection multiple times and couldn’t feel too much. I also took much longer to ejaculate and we almost stopped because of this. However, altogether it was pleasurable. I believe another factor why the second time didn’t go as well was that I wanted to prove to myself too much that I could have second time. Usually that was completely out of the question and so I pushed my luck a bit. Next time I’ll just listen to what I really want and not go for a second time if I don’t absolutely crave it.

Stats since Start:

Porn Use: 0
Masturbation: 0
Good Intercourse*: 0
Mediocre Intercourse**: 1
Bad Intercourse***: 4

* No fantasy, ejaculate < 10min, 95%+ erection
** Some fantasy, ejaculate < 20min, 80%+ erection
*** Anything worse than (**) above, flaccid penis during intercourse, etc.