I haven’t been sexually excited in any way yesterday or today. In fact sex, masturbation, porn, or anything related to that hasn’t been on my mind at all! I wish there was some kind of meter that could tell me where I’m at with my recovery.. you know, like those baby meters that show you where you’re at when you’re pregnant! Too bad this doesn’t work this way. Anyways, like I said, I’ve been completely uninterested in anything sexual, so there’s not much to report. Maybe I’ll find out at a later date that this was the turning point but I’m not holding my breath.
I guess I could use the empty space that’s staring at me right now to write about my overall goals of this recovery instead. It’ll help reinforce why I’m doing this, understand what exactly the point is where I’d say “done!”, and what comes after. First of all, I’m doing this because I have a deep desire to experience real sex. The kind of sex that our ancestors had, where women weren’t just bad porn (as one author puts it) but the height of all sexual dreams. Where fantasies were clearly sub-par compared to the real deal and images not a substitute for it. Anyone reading this who doesn’t have porn induced ED must think I’m insane because it’s the most normal thing in the world for him. But if you are in that porn induced ED cycle – damn, I wish we could trade places brother! Another reason for doing this is that I feel that I’ve lost multiple relationships with women I’ve deeply cared about due to this condition, and I really don’t want this to repeat because it has caused much unnecessary heartache. I actually believe that if the sex is good you can get away with a lot of shit as a guy. But you really have to work hard to keep a relationship if the sex is bad, and most of the time you can’t make up for it no matter what else you do.
Now, when is this over and done? I’m on day 37 of a journey that could take multiple more months before I’ll see any results. Well, at least I know what I’m looking for. I wouldn’t say I’m done until I feel completely turned on by just thinking about having sex with a real women, I get 100% erections (as in fullness) all of the time and they stay with me through the entire session, and I come from the mere feeling of having sex (in a reasonable amount of time) with no use of fantasy whatsoever. I think I’ve gotten tiny bits of that before when intermittently, during sex, I’d realize how sexy it is to just have sex, but I’d always return to fantasy. I do remember that those rare, short moments would be extremely intense and almost unreal. I just couldn’t get them back at will. I believe reframing sex in that way is a good way to get rid of fantasy though.
What happens after I’m done? I will have a lot of sex. I will try to reinforce the crap out of doing it right and give my body and brain lots of rewards for adjusting. Nobody ever talks about what to do after recovery to maintain your new-found sexual self and prevent slipping back into porn, but I think that just having physical sex on a regular basis over an extended amount of time is going to really rewire your brain and wipe out being turned on by porn more than when you’re engaging in real sex. The best thing would be if I was never even turned on by porn again!