Archive for November, 2011

Day 32

Hello guys. Let me get the big, bad, embarrassing news out first. I ended up PMO’ing today. So now there is 1 PMO on the scale after my first month. I knew this was coming sooner or later (maybe you guys were too!) and despite thinking that I’m a strong tough man and I’ll do this right the first time around, I gave in to my urges earlier today. Wow. Kind of like a robot – I turned my brain off for a few hours after a very stressful day and figured I could ‘edge’ a bit to relax, ended up browsing, ended up orgasming to porn. I’m upset over it, understandably. Of course it wasn’t worth it. In fact, I came somewhat involuntarily (didn’t touch myself, was just watching a particularly exciting scene when the rush came) which made the whole thing even less than worthless because I didn’t get even get much enjoyment out of it. The third bad part about this is that I was really saving myself up for sex with my woman which is likely happening in the next couple of days. I feel like I’m being punished threefold.

Now, from here are a few lessons to learn. First of all, do I let this be a bump in the road, or do I let this stop me? Clearly the second choice is not an option. It has to be a bump in the road. Does it set me back? Likely. That’s the price to pay. How much, I don’t know. Hopefully only a week or so. Heck, I think it’ll be 100 days before I notice much anyways, so it may as well be 120 days.

I have to say though that this is such a crazy challenge. It’s difficult to comprehend what you’re up against. I had no problems whatsoever giving up smoking. The enemy is clear: the cigarette. Somehow with porn, sex drive, and orgasms this is completely different. And boy, the fact that I didn’t see too much improvement in almost 30 days definitely caused me to give in and doubt the whole thing in my weak moments. This leads me to the next point: Expectation management. When you do this, make sure you really don’t expect too much the first few weeks. It’s not like waiting for a package in the mail where you can check daily and see if it’s there or not.

Man, I hated the orgasm earlier. I didn’t want it, it sucked, and on top of it all I have a feeling it’ll affect upcoming sex negatively. I’ll be sure to keep this frustration in my mind when the temptation strikes again. What’s interesting is that I really feel that I’ll come out of this stronger. I feel there were more lessons in this event than I can observe at this time. Maybe I needed to know how a PMO feels after 30 days abstinence to see how much it sucks? Not sure. I’ll keep you posted!

Day 27

I think I’ve had some sexual dreams last night, but I didn’t wake up with an erection. In fact, it’s been fairly silent and lifeless down there. As I’m not feeling much better – still having flu symptoms – I don’t think I’m overall in a very sexual mood anyways. I’ll possibly have sex sometime this weekend and see then if there is any remarkable improvement. Other than that I guess it’s a waiting game!

To all of you out there who are reading my blog – keep it up. One day at a time. You can do it. There are lots of resources online that you can browse through, and I suggest you do that every time the urge to masturbate to porn hits you. At least that has helped me a lot.

Day 26

Hello, everyone! I hope you are doing well and you have/had a good Thanksgiving dinner and got to spend time with your families. Unfortunately I can’t report too many developments on the Erectile Dysfunction front; the last 5 days have been rather event-less. I’ve felt a little under the weather and didn’t have any sex, didn’t masturbate, and didn’t have any sexual dreams whatsoever. No spontaneous erections. Today I’ve looked at some erotic pictures for about 5 minutes, but I didn’t even get an erection from it. To be perfectly clear, I didn’t masturbate or touch myself at all, I just browsed through it – I guess I was “testing” a bit to see how it would affect me. That said, I think I can notice some very subtle progression in that I’m more likely to stop and stare at a beautiful women in the street, which pre-journey left me rather unaffected. I’m still looking forward to that “big milestone” where I notice a very significant change in my own behavior… Then again, from what I read, people need 90 to 120 days to reset. That leaves me with easily 100 days to go. Fingers crossed.

Day 21

So, I have three weeks behind me! There is something strange happening with me; I don’t look at porn anymore, but I still have very vivid memories of it. When I had sex today, those memories came back even though I didn’t want them to. I wonder if this has similar effects as a relapse in terms of strengthening your brain connections to porn or if it’s okay? I sure hope it is!

The sex was mediocre-good, my erection wasn’t as hard as I want it to be, but I believe I derived more pleasure from just the feeling of being inside a vagina than I usually would. If you didn’t read all of the previous posts, I usually take a very long time to come; this time I would’ve been able to come after just a couple of minutes which is extremely unusual for me. I’m skeptical though and want to see if that is going to be a sustained change or just one-off this time. What’s also interesting is that I had no desire for a second go around afterwards. No chaser effect to speak off…

To circle back to the point I made in my first paragraph, I think an extremely important part of recovery is to completely let go of fantasy. That seems much more difficult than the physical act of not looking at porn because it’s all in your head. How do you consciously not think about something?

Day 16

This is a rollercoaster! I was extremely horny, wanting to masturbate, pretty much all night last night. However, I managed to refrain from further masturbating, and woke up fresh from a sexual dream today. No wet dream though.

I have to say that this thing is not easy to do… it seems so simple, right? Just quit porn, masturbating etc. for a while. But if you’re conditioned over decades to masturbate to porn, then this is a real challenge. I’ve quit smoking years ago, and I have to say that that was a walk in the park in comparison. One of the main differences is that everybody knows smoking is bad. You give it up, and you somehow believe that you’re healthier. With porn induced erectile dysfunction you constantly have these thoughts in your head that masturbating isn’t inherently bad, and that a little bit of porn every now and then can’t do any harm. My freshly woken up mind can reason well against this, but after a day on the computer defenses wear down and it’s easy to start longing for just some release.

You earned it! It’s been a long day of work! Just this one time! … There are many variations of how your own mind tries to convince you. And it’s better at it than any other person would ever be; after all, it knows you all your life. I know I sound like I have schizophrenia but it does seem like there are two ‘parts’ of myself arguing with each other, with me vehemently trying to turn the reason part into the stronger muscle.

Day 15

Last night I had a crazy urge to masturbate, and I gave in (without porn of course). I don’t count it as a setback, but somehow also wish I hadn’t done it. I think me having a bit of a depression and mood swings yesterday played into it and made me feel like I need some positive release. Either way, still staying away from porn. Can’t wait to pass the month mark… keeping myself busy until then. I probably won’t have sex in the coming days so those are more total abstinence days I can use.

Update from the evening: I really, really want to look at porn. It’s almost overwhelming. This is by far the strongest desire I’ve had to look at porn since I began this journey. Is it related to me masturbating yesterday? I don’t know. But man, this is worse than giving up smoking. Every cell in my body is telling me to just do it this one time. I’m not giving in. I’m not giving in. I’m not giving in.

Another update: In the end I ended up masturbating simply to calm myself down. Interim goal: I’ll stop masturbating for next week at least so I don’t fall back into masturbation habits while continuing my journey.

Day 14

Today I’m passing the two week mark! It sure feels longer than that. I wish I could speed up the recovery process more, but I guess it simply takes time. I definitely have cravings for porn (just now actually!), and just sitting at the computer reminds me of masturbating to porn. No wonder, for more than a decade computers were my tool of choice to get to an orgasm. 2 weeks vs. about 650 weeks…. only a measly 0.3% of my computer time so far has been porn-less!

Also I can report that I had intercourse again yesterday, twice. The first time around was fairly nice, my erection was okay, but it all didn’t feel more sensitive than usual. Yet again I had to use fantasy to get off and couldn’t just concentrate on the woman. I think once I’m just turned on by the woman, and I’m being driven to orgasm by just her without any need for fantasy, then I’m officially on the way to be cured. It’s difficult to imagine, all I’ve ever done is fantasize while having sex instead of just enjoying the sex.

The second time, a few minutes after the first orgasm (chaser effect?), was less good than the first time. Not only did I essentially use fantasy through the whole thing, but I also lost my erection multiple times and couldn’t feel too much. I also took much longer to ejaculate and we almost stopped because of this. However, altogether it was pleasurable. I believe another factor why the second time didn’t go as well was that I wanted to prove to myself too much that I could have second time. Usually that was completely out of the question and so I pushed my luck a bit. Next time I’ll just listen to what I really want and not go for a second time if I don’t absolutely crave it.

Stats since Start:

Porn Use: 0
Masturbation: 0
Good Intercourse*: 0
Mediocre Intercourse**: 1
Bad Intercourse***: 4

Legend:
* No fantasy, ejaculate < 10min, 95%+ erection
** Some fantasy, ejaculate < 20min, 80%+ erection
*** Anything worse than (**) above, flaccid penis during intercourse, etc.