Day 32

Hello guys. Let me get the big, bad, embarrassing news out first. I ended up PMO’ing today. So now there is 1 PMO on the scale after my first month. I knew this was coming sooner or later (maybe you guys were too!) and despite thinking that I’m a strong tough man and I’ll do this right the first time around, I gave in to my urges earlier today. Wow. Kind of like a robot – I turned my brain off for a few hours after a very stressful day and figured I could ‘edge’ a bit to relax, ended up browsing, ended up orgasming to porn. I’m upset over it, understandably. Of course it wasn’t worth it. In fact, I came somewhat involuntarily (didn’t touch myself, was just watching a particularly exciting scene when the rush came) which made the whole thing even less than worthless because I didn’t get even get much enjoyment out of it. The third bad part about this is that I was really saving myself up for sex with my woman which is likely happening in the next couple of days. I feel like I’m being punished threefold.

Now, from here are a few lessons to learn. First of all, do I let this be a bump in the road, or do I let this stop me? Clearly the second choice is not an option. It has to be a bump in the road. Does it set me back? Likely. That’s the price to pay. How much, I don’t know. Hopefully only a week or so. Heck, I think it’ll be 100 days before I notice much anyways, so it may as well be 120 days.

I have to say though that this is such a crazy challenge. It’s difficult to comprehend what you’re up against. I had no problems whatsoever giving up smoking. The enemy is clear: the cigarette. Somehow with porn, sex drive, and orgasms this is completely different. And boy, the fact that I didn’t see too much improvement in almost 30 days definitely caused me to give in and doubt the whole thing in my weak moments. This leads me to the next point: Expectation management. When you do this, make sure you really don’t expect too much the first few weeks. It’s not like waiting for a package in the mail where you can check daily and see if it’s there or not.

Man, I hated the orgasm earlier. I didn’t want it, it sucked, and on top of it all I have a feeling it’ll affect upcoming sex negatively. I’ll be sure to keep this frustration in my mind when the temptation strikes again. What’s interesting is that I really feel that I’ll come out of this stronger. I feel there were more lessons in this event than I can observe at this time. Maybe I needed to know how a PMO feels after 30 days abstinence to see how much it sucks? Not sure. I’ll keep you posted!

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    • anonymous
    • November 30th, 2011

    Sorry to hear that you had a slip. Be sure to have a think over what triggered you. IMHO recognising when fantasies start popping into your head is a good start. And not testing yourself physically.

    Put it behind you and move ahead. You’re posts are helping me with my recovery too.

  1. @anonymous: Thank you for the encouraging words. You are completely right in that I a “root cause analysis” was in order. I really tried to figure out what got me to slip up – I think it was a combination of having sexual desires, too much time alone in front of the computer, fantasies, creeping doubts, and wanting to “test” what would happen. Somehow I’m glad though that it happened and I’ve definitely put it behind me. It was a bump and nothing else… full steam ahead. I hope your recovery is moving forward strong as well – thank you for commenting! Keep going – there’s a light at the end of this pitch black tunnel. I know there is… and the day we step out, it’ll be like we’re reborn.

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