Archive for December, 2011

Day 37

I haven’t been sexually excited in any way yesterday or today. In fact sex, masturbation, porn, or anything related to that hasn’t been on my mind at all! I wish there was some kind of meter that could tell me where I’m at with my recovery.. you know, like those baby meters that show you where you’re at when you’re pregnant! Too bad this doesn’t work this way. Anyways, like I said, I’ve been completely uninterested in anything sexual, so there’s not much to report. Maybe I’ll find out at a later date that this was the turning point but I’m not holding my breath.

I guess I could use the empty space that’s staring at me right now to write about my overall goals of this recovery instead. It’ll help reinforce why I’m doing this, understand what exactly the point is where I’d say “done!”, and what comes after. First of all, I’m doing this because I have a deep desire to experience real sex. The kind of sex that our ancestors had, where women weren’t just bad porn (as one author puts it) but the height of all sexual dreams. Where fantasies were clearly sub-par compared to the real deal and images not a substitute for it. Anyone reading this who doesn’t have porn induced ED must think I’m insane because it’s the most normal thing in the world for him. But if you are in that porn induced ED cycle – damn, I wish we could trade places brother! Another reason for doing this is that I feel that I’ve lost multiple relationships with women I’ve deeply cared about due to this condition, and I really don’t want this to repeat because it has caused much unnecessary heartache. I actually believe that if the sex is good you can get away with a lot of shit as a guy. But you really have to work hard to keep a relationship if the sex is bad, and most of the time you can’t make up for it no matter what else you do.

Now, when is this over and done? I’m on day 37 of a journey that could take multiple more months before I’ll see any results. Well, at least I know what I’m looking for. I wouldn’t say I’m done until I feel completely turned on by just thinking about having sex with a real women, I get 100% erections (as in fullness) all of the time and they stay with me through the entire session, and I come from the mere feeling of having sex (in a reasonable amount of time) with no use of fantasy whatsoever. I think I’ve gotten tiny bits of that before when intermittently, during sex, I’d realize how sexy it is to just have sex, but I’d always return to fantasy. I do remember that those rare, short moments would be extremely intense and almost unreal. I just couldn’t get them back at will. I believe reframing sex in that way is a good way to get rid of fantasy though.

What happens after I’m done? I will have a lot of sex. I will try to reinforce the crap out of doing it right and give my body and brain lots of rewards for adjusting. Nobody ever talks about what to do after recovery to maintain your new-found sexual self and prevent slipping back into porn, but I think that just having physical sex on a regular basis over an extended amount of time is going to really rewire your brain and wipe out being turned on by porn more than when you’re engaging in real sex. The best thing would be if I was never even turned on by porn again!

Day 34

It’s been an interesting day. I’ve done some minor petting yesterday night with my girlfriend (but no sex) and been fantasizing about that – and not porn – for some part of the day. I even got a minor erection from it, which is positive.

My next goal is to not use fantasy at all during sex. I admit that this is a daunting task because I’ve never had sex without using fantasy. I can’t believe I’m writing this; I actually thought this was normal (for me)! Let me write it again to make sure it sticks… I have never had sex without using fantasy. Not a single time. What is the most common form of sex, just enjoying the feeling and being one with your partner and having an overwhelming orgasm just from the excitement of having sex altogether – I have never been able to do just that. I can’t tell you how much I long for this. If I don’t use fantasy I’ll either eventually go limp, or the sex will go on forever up to the point where my penis is numb, and then it’ll go limp from that. Either way, I end up limp, frustrated, and my partner is mad at me and wondering what’s wrong. Fantasy helps avoid that scenario so I’m afraid of letting go of it.

It is clear though that it’s a major part of my recovery. I have to turn off fantasy eventually and replace it with reality. I believe I’ll try a gradual approach of shutting out fantasy and just concentrating on the feeling, or rewiring my fantasy to thoughts such as “my penis feels amazing in her vagina” instead of images of porn scenes stuck in my head. I’ll let you know what works when I get to try again.

Also, I wanted to say a couple more words about my slip a few days ago. As suggested in the comments, I was trying to analyze what really led me to slip up. As a result of this I realized that being alone in front of my computer with not much to do was a major factor. Being bored in front of the computer is something you’ll want to avoid like a disease. At least in my case I used to masturbate whenever I was bored, alone, at the computer – ready to use porn. If you’re put in that same scenario again too early during recovery, it’s overwhelming how your body reminds you of that rush you used to get when you were in that situation. The best is to avoid the situation altogether – go out, eat, do whatever you need to do to not be alone in front of the computer for extended periods of time with nothing to do. It’ll be too easy.

Date Update: I noticed that I messed up somewhere along the way with which day number it was (around day 10 or 12). I corrected it for the last three posts and this one, I’m actually on day 34 already 🙂

Day 33

I was kind of expecting to see new comments saying “what the hell did you do” but I didn’t receive any, which was a relief!

In fact, I can report some positive things. I had sex twice, once yesterday and once this morning, and both times were on ‘mediocre’ level (which is better than ‘bad’). I kept my erection virtually through the entire act, it’s almost as if my PMO mishap didn’t really stop my progress, which is great! I have to say that on top of everything I had serious performance anxiety because of the PMO (thinking it’ll ruin the sex) but my penis was fairly unfazed and performed well. The only thing that’s definitely still there is that I use fantasy to get over the edge instead of the feeling in my penis. Well, one step at a time. At least I’m relieved that one misstep into the porn world doesn’t mean the end of recovery… so far, it hasn’t even brought on anything negative. I did learn my lesson though, it’s still a slippery slope, so I’ll keep my hands out of my pants and my thoughts out of the gutter. I promise to be successful.