Day 34

It’s been an interesting day. I’ve done some minor petting yesterday night with my girlfriend (but no sex) and been fantasizing about that – and not porn – for some part of the day. I even got a minor erection from it, which is positive.

My next goal is to not use fantasy at all during sex. I admit that this is a daunting task because I’ve never had sex without using fantasy. I can’t believe I’m writing this; I actually thought this was normal (for me)! Let me write it again to make sure it sticks… I have never had sex without using fantasy. Not a single time. What is the most common form of sex, just enjoying the feeling and being one with your partner and having an overwhelming orgasm just from the excitement of having sex altogether – I have never been able to do just that. I can’t tell you how much I long for this. If I don’t use fantasy I’ll either eventually go limp, or the sex will go on forever up to the point where my penis is numb, and then it’ll go limp from that. Either way, I end up limp, frustrated, and my partner is mad at me and wondering what’s wrong. Fantasy helps avoid that scenario so I’m afraid of letting go of it.

It is clear though that it’s a major part of my recovery. I have to turn off fantasy eventually and replace it with reality. I believe I’ll try a gradual approach of shutting out fantasy and just concentrating on the feeling, or rewiring my fantasy to thoughts such as “my penis feels amazing in her vagina” instead of images of porn scenes stuck in my head. I’ll let you know what works when I get to try again.

Also, I wanted to say a couple more words about my slip a few days ago. As suggested in the comments, I was trying to analyze what really led me to slip up. As a result of this I realized that being alone in front of my computer with not much to do was a major factor. Being bored in front of the computer is something you’ll want to avoid like a disease. At least in my case I used to masturbate whenever I was bored, alone, at the computer – ready to use porn. If you’re put in that same scenario again too early during recovery, it’s overwhelming how your body reminds you of that rush you used to get when you were in that situation. The best is to avoid the situation altogether – go out, eat, do whatever you need to do to not be alone in front of the computer for extended periods of time with nothing to do. It’ll be too easy.

Date Update: I noticed that I messed up somewhere along the way with which day number it was (around day 10 or 12). I corrected it for the last three posts and this one, I’m actually on day 34 already 🙂

    • anonymous
    • December 4th, 2011

    Well done. Keep up the good work.
    I really like your ideas of learning to enjoy sex without fantasy. If I am completely honest and thing back to the very first few sexual encounters I ever had, there was no fantasy, it was just amazing being with that person. So if I think about that I realise that sex without fantasy can be amazing!

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