Day 16

This is a rollercoaster! I was extremely horny, wanting to masturbate, pretty much all night last night. However, I managed to refrain from further masturbating, and woke up fresh from a sexual dream today. No wet dream though.

I have to say that this thing is not easy to do… it seems so simple, right? Just quit porn, masturbating etc. for a while. But if you’re conditioned over decades to masturbate to porn, then this is a real challenge. I’ve quit smoking years ago, and I have to say that that was a walk in the park in comparison. One of the main differences is that everybody knows smoking is bad. You give it up, and you somehow believe that you’re healthier. With porn induced erectile dysfunction you constantly have these thoughts in your head that masturbating isn’t inherently bad, and that a little bit of porn every now and then can’t do any harm. My freshly woken up mind can reason well against this, but after a day on the computer defenses wear down and it’s easy to start longing for just some release.

You earned it! It’s been a long day of work! Just this one time! … There are many variations of how your own mind tries to convince you. And it’s better at it than any other person would ever be; after all, it knows you all your life. I know I sound like I have schizophrenia but it does seem like there are two ‘parts’ of myself arguing with each other, with me vehemently trying to turn the reason part into the stronger muscle.

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Day 15

Last night I had a crazy urge to masturbate, and I gave in (without porn of course). I don’t count it as a setback, but somehow also wish I hadn’t done it. I think me having a bit of a depression and mood swings yesterday played into it and made me feel like I need some positive release. Either way, still staying away from porn. Can’t wait to pass the month mark… keeping myself busy until then. I probably won’t have sex in the coming days so those are more total abstinence days I can use.

Update from the evening: I really, really want to look at porn. It’s almost overwhelming. This is by far the strongest desire I’ve had to look at porn since I began this journey. Is it related to me masturbating yesterday? I don’t know. But man, this is worse than giving up smoking. Every cell in my body is telling me to just do it this one time. I’m not giving in. I’m not giving in. I’m not giving in.

Another update: In the end I ended up masturbating simply to calm myself down. Interim goal: I’ll stop masturbating for next week at least so I don’t fall back into masturbation habits while continuing my journey.

Day 14

Today I’m passing the two week mark! It sure feels longer than that. I wish I could speed up the recovery process more, but I guess it simply takes time. I definitely have cravings for porn (just now actually!), and just sitting at the computer reminds me of masturbating to porn. No wonder, for more than a decade computers were my tool of choice to get to an orgasm. 2 weeks vs. about 650 weeks…. only a measly 0.3% of my computer time so far has been porn-less!

Also I can report that I had intercourse again yesterday, twice. The first time around was fairly nice, my erection was okay, but it all didn’t feel more sensitive than usual. Yet again I had to use fantasy to get off and couldn’t just concentrate on the woman. I think once I’m just turned on by the woman, and I’m being driven to orgasm by just her without any need for fantasy, then I’m officially on the way to be cured. It’s difficult to imagine, all I’ve ever done is fantasize while having sex instead of just enjoying the sex.

The second time, a few minutes after the first orgasm (chaser effect?), was less good than the first time. Not only did I essentially use fantasy through the whole thing, but I also lost my erection multiple times and couldn’t feel too much. I also took much longer to ejaculate and we almost stopped because of this. However, altogether it was pleasurable. I believe another factor why the second time didn’t go as well was that I wanted to prove to myself too much that I could have second time. Usually that was completely out of the question and so I pushed my luck a bit. Next time I’ll just listen to what I really want and not go for a second time if I don’t absolutely crave it.

Stats since Start:

Porn Use: 0
Masturbation: 0
Good Intercourse*: 0
Mediocre Intercourse**: 1
Bad Intercourse***: 4

Legend:
* No fantasy, ejaculate < 10min, 95%+ erection
** Some fantasy, ejaculate < 20min, 80%+ erection
*** Anything worse than (**) above, flaccid penis during intercourse, etc.

Day 12

This morning was very exciting – I think I made my first step in the right direction! Not only did I wake up with an OK morning wood (maybe 90%), but I definitely also had sexual dreams last night. Not that I actually ejaculated, but I certainly remember the dreams. All that has caused my mood to be pretty good today, and I can’t wait to see how I’ll improve next!

All the other stuff is still as before, no spontaneous erections throughout the day, and I still don’t feel particularly turned on when I see objectively attractive women in the street. It’ll all come in time (no pun intended). Soon I’ll have two weeks behind me which is great!

Day 10

So far, so good – day 10 has almost passed. No porn or masturbation for TEN straight days. A whopping 14,400 minutes which I spent without looking at porn. I’m proud of myself! Also, 5 days have passed since I last had intercourse so I’m wondering if I’ll notice a difference the next time. What’s strange is that I get a longing for porn every time I’m in front of my home computer. I really turned into Pavlov’s dog with respect to porn.

I still don’t have any significant morning wood, major spontaneous erections, or anything else of that kind. I don’t feel particularly turned on by hot women yet either; I’d say I’m mostly indifferent. My dreams and thoughts are not related to porn, sex, or any such topic. The only thing I notice is that I have slight mood swings but I believe I catch them before I say or do something I’d regret later. That’s all there is to report!

Day 7

Woke up with a mild erection today. No strong morning wood (which I’ve only had extremely rarely anyways). I probably won’t have sex this weekend, which gives me additional time to recover and see if my next encounter will benefit from more “downtime”.

Considering that it’s only been a week since I’ve quit porn for good, I neither expect nor can report any remarkable changes. Reading other blogs and stories of recovery from porn induced erectile dysfunction, it can easily take another 6 to 8 weeks, if not longer. That’s a bit depressing as I am really looking forward to results but at least I got one week behind me.

I’ll also try to eat more healthy and do sports; I think this could have additional impact and benefits as I get closer to my desired “normal” sex life without porn, need for fantasy during sex, 70% erections and so on. One milestone will be to wake up with real hard 100% morning wood!

Day 6

Off to day 6 of the end of porn and the end of my erectile dysfunction, I hope. I’m not sure if having intercourse slows this process down, but it’ll be difficult to explain to my girlfriend that I want to stop having sex for a while. So we did it again last night, with some success, but not to be counted as “good intercourse” per the rules I set out on day 4.

I say with some success because I maintained an erection most of the time. But that’s about all the success there was to it, other than that all the other parts sucked; it was a measly 70% erection – barely over the minimum to successfully penetrate, it took me forever to ejaculate, I had to fantasize (trying to actively block this out though – but then go back to it in fear of losing my erection! Damn!), and I didn’t have a whole lot of sensitivity in my penis. All those things need to be fixed. I can’t wait to have this sh*t behind me.

On the emotional side, I’ve been having some slight mood swings where I’m either overwhelmed with positive emotion or I want to say really mean things to people. I’m doing well holding myself in check though, so nothing bad has happened as a result yet.

It’s been almost a week and I don’t miss porn at all. I just want my sex life to be free of worry and full of fun. Please let this happen sooner than later!